The Kansas City Worldskippers are the official sacred sports team of the Church of the Lowtax. They play... a sport. Possibly football. Possibly something else entirely. Nobody is completely sure, because they have never successfully completed a play long enough for anyone to determine what game they're actually playing.

What we DO know is that they lose. They lose every game. They lose games they aren't even playing in. There was once a game they weren't scheduled for and they still somehow lost it. The league had to invent a new category of loss for them: the "Spectral Defeat" — a loss so complete it transcends physical participation.

The Worldskippers have been losing since before the founding of the Church, and they will continue losing long after the heat death of the universe. Their losing is not a flaw. It is a sacrament.

We do not support the Worldskippers because they might win. We support them because they absolutely, categorically, under no circumstances, will not. And that is beautiful.

#00 - "Fumbles" McDroppington (Quarterback)
Holds the league record for most fumbles in a single play (seven). Scientists are still trying to figure out how that's physically possible with only one ball. Career passer rating: somehow negative.

#13 - Unlucky Pete Sadman (Wide Receiver)
Has never caught a pass in his twelve-year career. Not because of lack of skill — the ball simply refuses to make contact with his hands. Physicists have studied this phenomenon. There is no explanation. The ball just... won't.

#42 - Brick Wallowitz (Defensive Line)
Named "Brick Wall" not because he's an immovable defender, but because he has the mobility and awareness of an actual brick wall. Once tackled his own teammate for a safety.

#7 - "Wrong Way" Daniels (Running Back)
Scored the only Worldskippers touchdown in recent memory. It was for the other team. He ran the entire length of the field the wrong way while his teammates screamed. He thought they were cheering.

#99 - Gus "The Forfeit" Henderson (Coach)
Not technically a player but deserves mention. Has cried at every game since 1994. His halftime speeches are just him staring at the floor for fifteen minutes while the team eats Govnah Sticks in silence.

The Worldskippers hold a sacred place in the Church of the Lowtax. Their perpetual losing is not merely athletic incompetence — it is a spiritual lesson.

Like Poor Timmy, the Worldskippers were born with nothing. No wins. No skill. No prospects. And yet they take the field every week. They suit up. They show up. And they lose by forty points. Every single time.

This is what it means to have faith. Not faith that things will get better. Faith that you will keep going even though they absolutely will not.

The Church holds a special viewing of every Worldskippers game. The congregation gathers, knowing full well the outcome, and watches anyway. When the final score is announced, the faithful stand as one and recite:

• The Worldskippers' mascot is a kangaroo named "Skipper." Skipper escaped in 1993 and has not been recovered. A replacement was purchased but it also escaped. They are currently on their seventh Skipper. It is also missing.


• Their fight song has never been performed in its entirety because the team has never given the crowd a reason to sing it. The band knows the first four notes. That's it.


• In 1998, a scheduling error meant the Worldskippers played against themselves. They lost.


• Their stadium, Govnah Sticks Memorial Field, holds 40,000 people. Average attendance is 312, and 200 of those are from the Church of the Lowtax.


• Eric Bauman once tried to claim he founded the Worldskippers. The team issued a statement: "We would rather keep losing than be associated with eBaum's World." This is the only time the Worldskippers have won anything — the moral high ground.


• Saint Reginald P. Linux is listed as an honorary team captain. He has a better win percentage than the actual team (0-0, technically undefeated).


• Poor Timmy is the team's spiritual patron. He had no legs, no arms, no skin, no bones, and no muscle, and he STILL would have been a better quarterback than "Fumbles" McDroppington.


• The team's official snack is Govnah Sticks. The team's official emotion is disappointment. The team's official sound is the coach weeping softly into his clipboard.


• "This is our year" has been the team's unofficial motto every year since 1987. It has never been their year. It will never be their year.