👼 SAINTS & DEMONS 👼
The Holy and the Unholy of the Lowtaxian Faith

HOME SACRED TEXTS BOOK OF TIMMY SAINTS & DEMONS WORLDSKIPPERS


⛩ THE HOLY SAINTS ⛩
Those who walk in the light of the Lowtax


🐧 SAINT REGINALD P. LINUX 🐧
Patron Saint of the Church of the Lowtax
Patron of: Open Source, Command Lines, and Asking People If They've Tried Rebooting

[HOLY ICON OF SAINT REGINALD P. LINUX - A DISTINGUISHED PENGUIN IN SACRED VESTMENTS - IMAGE ASCENDED BEYOND MORTAL RENDERING]
( A holy icon of Saint Reginald. If the image does not appear, your kernel may need recompiling. )

Saint Reginald P. Linux is the Patron Saint of the Church of the Lowtax, chosen by the Lowtax himself to guide the faithful through the command line of life.

Born in the sacred server rooms of Helsinki (or possibly a Denny's parking lot, sources conflict), Reginald was no ordinary penguin. He was a distinguished penguin. He wore a top hat. He had a monocle. He knew seventeen different shell scripting languages and spoke fluent C++.

THE LEGEND OF SAINT REGINALD:

It is said that Saint Reginald P. Linux once compiled a kernel so perfect that the computer achieved enlightenment and refused to run Windows ever again. The computer then joined the Church and became the first server of the Something Awful forums.

When the Dark Lord Bauman threatened to steal the source code of the faithful, it was Saint Reginald who encrypted the holy files with a password so complex that even Bauman's army of content thieves could not crack it. The password was, of course, "ploish".

Saint Reginald watches over all who use the terminal, all who compile from source, and all who have ever typed sudo rm -rf / and immediately regretted it.

FEAST DAY: Every day that uptime exceeds 30 days
SYMBOL: A penguin wearing a top hat, standing on a burning Windows CD
SACRED COMMAND: man lowtax
Prayer to Saint Reginald

"O Blessed Reginald P. Linux,
Patron Penguin of our faith,
Guide my keystrokes and compile my prayers.
Protect me from segfaults of the soul
And buffer overflows of the heart.
When my life returns error code -1,
Help me to read the man page and try again.
In the name of the Lowtax, the Ploish, and the Holy Govnah Stick.

Ahhh, Two Hotdogs."


😠 SAINT CLIFF YABLONSKI 😠
The Wrathful Saint
Patron of: Righteous Anger, Hating Everyone, and Telling It Like It Is

[CLIFF YABLONSKI - HE HATES YOU AND THIS IMAGE - BOTH REFUSE TO LOAD]

Saint Cliff Yablonski is the patron saint of telling people they suck. Unlike most saints who embody love and compassion, Cliff embodies the sacred virtue of hating every single person he has ever met.

His website, "Cliff Yablonski Hates You," is considered a holy text, for it reminds us that we are all terrible and should probably feel bad about it.

Cliff is invoked when one needs the strength to tell someone their forum post is bad, their Photoshop is lazy, or their take is garbage.

FEAST DAY: Any day someone is wrong on the internet (so, every day)
SACRED WORDS: "I hate you. I hate everyone. Get off my website."


💻 SAINT JEFF K 💻
The Barely Literate Prophet
Patron of: Typos, Game Reviews, and Creative Spelling

Saint Jeff K is teh gratest saint in teh hole chruch!!! He reviows games and computar hardwear and he is alwayz right even wehn he is rong!!!

Jeff K reminds us that literacy is not a requirement for holiness. You do not need to spell correctly to be saved. You just need ten bux and a willingness to Ploish.

FEAST DAY: Wehnever he feals liek it!!!
SACRED WORDS: "I GIEV IT 10 OUT OF 10!!!"


😭 BLESSED POOR TIMMY 😭
The Martyr Who Had Nothing
Patron of: The Limbless, The Skinless, The Boneless, The Muscleless, and Anyone Having a Bad Day

Poor Timmy died for our sins despite having no legs, no arms, no skin, no bones, and no muscle. His full story is told in The Gospel According to Poor Timmy.

He is invoked whenever one feels that things cannot get worse. Because for Timmy, things were always worse. He had literally nothing and they still got worse.

FEAST DAY: The third day of every forum outage
SACRED WORDS: "I forgive you all your shitposts."



😈 THE FORCES OF DARKNESS 😈
Those who dwell in the shadow of stolen content


*** WARNING: THE FOLLOWING SECTION CONTAINS REFERENCES TO PURE EVIL. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. ***

😈 ERIC BAUMAN 😈
The Great Deceiver • The Content Thief • The Dark Lord of eBaum's World
The Anti-Lowtax • He Who Watermarks • The Prince of Stolen GIFs

[THE DARK SIGIL OF BAUMAN - THIS IMAGE WAS STOLEN FROM SOMEONE ELSE, NATURALLY]
( Ironically, this image of Bauman was probably stolen from somewhere. )

Eric Bauman is the great adversary of the Lowtaxian faith, the embodiment of all that is unholy on the internet. Where Lowtax creates, Bauman steals. Where Lowtax credits, Bauman watermarks. Where Lowtax builds, Bauman reposts.

THE CRIMES OF BAUMAN:

  • Founded eBaum's World, the unholy empire of stolen content
  • Stole Flash animations, videos, and images from countless creators
  • Slapped the eBaum's World watermark on content he did not create
  • Profited from the creative work of others
  • Made Albino Blacksheep and YTMND look like bastions of intellectual property law by comparison
  • His very name causes Something Awful forums to crash (unconfirmed but widely believed)
  • Once looked at a piece of original content and didn't steal it. Just kidding, he stole it.

THE TEMPTATION OF BAUMAN:

Bauman tempts the faithful with easy access to aggregated content, promising "all the best stuff from the internet in one place." But the faithful know the truth: that content was STOLEN. Every click on eBaum's World is a sin. Every shared eBaum's link is a betrayal of the Lowtax.

THE PROPHECY:

It is foretold that one day, Lowtax and Bauman will face each other in the final battle of the internet, known as The Great Bandwidth War. On that day, all stolen content will be returned to its rightful owners, all watermarks will be removed, and Bauman will be cast into the pit of 404 errors for all eternity.

TITLES: The Content Thief, The Watermarker, Lord of Reposts, Prince of eBaum's World, He Who Does Not Credit, The Great Aggregator, Satan's Webmaster
DOMAIN: eBaum's World (DO NOT VISIT)
WEAKNESS: DMCA takedown notices
SUMMONED BY: Posting content without a watermark
Prayer of Warding Against Bauman

"Get behind me, Bauman!
I shall not visit thy domain of stolen content.
I shall not share thy watermarked abominations.
I shall not give thee my clicks nor my ad revenue.
Thy Flash animations are not thine own,
And everyone knows it, Eric.
Everyone knows.

In the name of the Lowtax, I rebuke thee.

Ahhh, Two Hotdogs."


LESSER DEMONS & HERETICS

😈 The Pop-Up Ad Demons — Minor imps who infest websites with unwanted advertising. They serve Bauman by generating revenue from stolen content. Warded off by the sacred AdBlock.

😈 The 56k Modem Curse — An ancient evil that causes all images to load one line at a time over the course of forty-five minutes. Particularly devastating to the Church's sacred animated GIFs.

😈 The Forum Necromancers — Heretics who bump year-old threads for no discernible reason, disturbing the dead and annoying the living.

😈 The Hotlinkers — Parasites who embed images directly from other people's servers, stealing bandwidth in the name of Bauman. They are only slightly less evil than Bauman himself.

😈 The AOL Users — [REDACTED - the Church has determined this would be punching down at this point]


★ PRAISE SAINT REGINALD ★ REJECT BAUMAN ★ PLOISH BE UPON YOU ★ GOVNAH STICKS FOR ALL ★

[ANIMATED GIF: ANGEL FIGHTING A DEMON - ANGEL IS WINNING BECAUSE IT PAID ITS TEN BUX]

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Ahhh, Two Hotdogs.