***~*~ SACRED TEXTS OF THE LOWTAX ~*~***

1:1 In the beginning, there was the Internet, and it was without form, and void of content. And darkness was upon the face of Geocities.

1:2 And Lowtax said, "Let there be Something Awful," and there was Something Awful. And Lowtax saw that it was good. Well, it was awful. But that was the point.

1:3 And Lowtax separated the Goons from the normies, and unto the Goons he said: "Pay me ten bux and ye shall enter the forums."

1:4 And the Goons did pay their ten bux, and they were granted access to General Bullshit, and FYAD, and the Comedy Goldmine, and all the holy subforums.

1:5 And on the seventh day, Lowtax did not rest, for there were still people being wrong on the internet, and they needed to be made fun of.

1:6 And from the rib of Something Awful, Lowtax created Gaming Garbage, that the faithful might witness the worst games ever conceived by man and laugh until their sides ached.

1:7 And it was in the garden of Gaming Garbage that the sacred words were first spoken: "PLOISH."

1:8 And all who heard it knew it was holy.

2:1 And Lowtax did play a game of terrible quality, and from his lips came the word that would echo through eternity: "PLOISH."

2:2 And the disciples asked, "Master, what does Ploish mean?" And Lowtax replied, "It means exactly what it sounds like. Ploish."

2:3 For Ploish is not merely a word. It is a state of being. It is the sound the universe makes when physics gives up and goes home.

2:4 When thy game character clips through the floor: Ploish.
When thy ragdoll physics defy the laws of God and man: Ploish.
When thy textures fail to load and the world becomes a void: Ploish.

2:5 The faithful shall greet each other with Ploish, and they shall part with Ploish, and in all things there shall be Ploish.

2:6 Blessed are the Ploishers, for they shall inherit the jank.

3:1 And it came to pass that Lowtax did encounter a food item of mysterious origin, and he called them GOVNAH STICKS.

3:2 And the Govnah Sticks were neither fully food nor fully not-food, existing in a quantum state of edibility that confounded the wise.

3:3 And Lowtax said unto his followers: "Eat of these Govnah Sticks, for they are my body. Well, not my body. I wouldn't eat my body. But eat them anyway."

3:4 And the faithful did partake of the Govnah Sticks at every potluck, and they were sustained, more or less.

3:5 For the Govnah Stick is the bread of our faith: cheap, questionable, and somehow always available at the gas station of life.

3:6 He who denies the Govnah Stick denies the Lowtax himself. Do not be that person.

4:1 And the prophet Lowtax did produce a film, and its name was DOOM HOUSE, and it was a warning unto all mankind.

4:2 For in the Doom House there lived a great evil, and that evil was... a doll. Probably. The production values made it hard to tell.

4:3 And Lowtax did enter the Doom House, and he was afraid, for the house was full of doom. It was right there in the name.

4:4 And the Doom House did speak unto Lowtax, saying: "GET OUT." And Lowtax considered this, and ultimately did not get out, because that would have been a very short film.

4:5 The Doom House is a parable: we are all living in our own Doom Houses, haunted by our own cursed dolls, and none of us have adequate production budgets.

4:6 When life gives you a Doom House, make Doom Lemonade. But do not drink it. It is cursed.

4:7 DOOM HOUSE.

And Lowtax descended from Mount Bandwidth with two tablets (he couldn't afford a third), and upon them were written:

I. Thou shalt have no other forums before Something Awful.

II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, unless it is for Photoshop Phriday, in which case go nuts.

III. Thou shalt not take the name of Lowtax in vain, unless it's really funny.

IV. Remember Phriday, and keep it Photoshopped.

V. Honor thy Goons and thy Moderators, for they hold the banhammer.

VI. Thou shalt not steal content. That is Eric Bauman's job, and we hate him for it.

VII. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's avatar, for it cost them ten bux plus extra for the custom title.

VIII. Thou shalt pay thy Ten Bux, no exceptions, no refunds.

IX. Thou shalt not post thy real name in FYAD.

X. Thou shalt end all prayers, speeches, and forum posts with: "Ahhh, Two Hotdogs."

6:1 "The internet makes you stupid." — Ancient Lowtaxian Proverb

6:2 "A fool and his ten bux are soon parted, but at least he gets forum access." — The Book of Goons, 4:20

6:3 "In the land of broken games, the man who can Ploish is king." — Gaming Garbage 12:7

6:4 "He who enters the Doom House uninvited shall find only doom. And a house." — Doom Proverbs 1:1

6:5 "Do not trust a man who has not paid his ten bux, for he is an outsider and knows not the ways of GBS." — Forum Wisdom 3:16

6:6 "Cliff Yablonski hates you. This is not a proverb. This is a fact." — The Yablonski Letters

6:7 "Every time you steal content, Eric Bauman gets his wings. Stop giving Eric Bauman wings." — Anti-Bauman 6:66

6:8 "Blessed is the Goon who reads the rules before posting, for he shall not be probated." — The Moderator's Psalm

6:9 "And lo, the Kansas City Worldskippers did take the field, and they did lose. Again. As foretold. As always." — The Book of Losing, every chapter

6:10 "Support the Worldskippers not because they will win, but because they will not. Their suffering is our suffering. Their losing streak is eternal, and so is our devotion." — KC Lamentations 0:43

7:1 AN HEAR ME GOONS FOR I AM JEFF K AND I AM TEH GRATEST COMPUTAR JENIUS ON TEH INTARNET!!!

7:2 I HAEV REVEIWED LIEK A MILION GAMES AND THAY ALL SUCK AXCEPT FOR TEH ONES TAHT DONT SUCK BUT THOSE SUCK TOO!!!

7:3 MY REVEIWS ARE SACRAD TEXST AND IF YOU DONT AGREA WITH TEHM YOU ARE A STUPD IDOIT!!!

7:4 TEH CHURCH OF LOWTAX IS GOOD BECUZ LOWTAX LETS ME WRITE ON HIS WEBSIGHT AND HE ONLY YELS AT ME LIEK 40% OF TEH TIEM!!!

7:5 SO IN CONCLSUION: PLOISH. AHHH TOW HOTDOGS. I GIEV THIS RELIGEON 10 OUT OF 10!!!

7:6 - JEFF K
ps ERIC BOWMAN IS A STOOPID JREK AND HE STEALS EVERTHING

Prayer Before Gaming Garbage
"O Lowtax, bless this gaming session,
That the games may be truly garbage,
That the physics may be broken,
That the voice acting may be atrocious,
And that the Ploish may flow freely.
Ahhh, Two Hotdogs."

The Govnah Stick Grace
"Bless these Govnah Sticks, O Lowtax,
Which we are about to receive
From the gas station of thy bounty.
May they nourish us (probably not)
And may we not ask what's in them.
Ahhh, Two Hotdogs."

Prayer of Protection Against Bauman
"Saint Reginald P. Linux, protect us
From the dark forces of eBaum's World.
May our content remain unthieved,
Our watermarks unremoved,
And may Eric Bauman stub his toe
Every single day for the rest of his life.
Ahhh, Two Hotdogs."